I have been dating my boyfriend for over 4years now. He’s a wonderful man, really love and care for me, and very patient. However, he always said he’s not ready to get married whenever I ask when we will get married. His reason is his career is not stable yet, he doesn’t have enough money for marriage, house and children; and he still prefers dating over marriage life. What should I do?

Karina  (Los Angeles, CA)

Hmm…this is quite a tricky one since I only hear from your part and none from him. I could only give advice based on your question though.

I have two things to point here. First, have you really sit down and talk with him about marriage? How does he react whenever you mentioned marriage? Would he just change topic immediately, ignore your question, get angry at you, laugh or he would discuss it calmly and seriously with you?

If he is willing to discuss marriage with you calmly and openly with you, it shows he does plan marriage with you. Maybe what he said above are true, that his career is not stable and he still need to save more money before he can get married, so he can provide you with enough money, food and a house to live in.

But do tell him you can’t wait indefinitely for that to happen. Ask him to give you some timeline, maybe 1 year or 2 years. If he is truly in love with you and seriously wants to marry you, he will make that promise to you and marry you ASAP before you give up on him and move on to other man. He needs to think about your situation too, not all is always about him only.

However, if he always avoid marriage topic, you have to think twice about your boyfriend. You need to think and feel it for yourself how you really feel about him. Do you really feel truly happy and blessed being with him? Ask yourself, how has he been treating you all along, honestly? Ask yourself what is it about him that has been bugging you all these while? Ask yourself, can you really wait for him indefinitely until he asks you to marry him? Can you wait 2years, 5years or 10years?

This led me to the second point that I want to tell you. Ask yourself. You need a little soul searching about yourself towards him. Ask and imagine can you live with him after 10years of marriage? 20years of marriage? Can you live with him with his bad habits and traits and never to complaint about those to him, ever?

Ask yourself that and I’m sure you can find the answer in yourself. I wish you good luck, dear.

1)   I'm just wondering how to get my ex out of my head. I just want to forget about him. Every time I try not to talk to him, he either calls me or I start thinking about him. I just don't know what to do so I was wondering if you could help me.

Amy (Berkeley, CA)

To get over a relationship is not easy especially if you still love that person so much. That love feeling you had to begin with in the first place is built up gradually, not by overnight; so it isn’t easy to get rid of it by overnight too.

The first step I’d suggest you to do is to stop all contacts from him all together. You can block all of his calls, immediately delete any text messages and email you received from him, and block him from all of your IM.

By not knowing or hearing any update or news about him and by not knowing his whereabouts will make it far easier for you to forget about him. And eventually, you will forget about him all together, as if he’s just a distant memory from your past. 

Now, I don’t know much about him, but it sounds like he is trying to make you feel miserable by keep on contacting you after you have broken up, to make sure you are still hurting by it and to make sure he still got the game. Some men are like that; they are so full of ego, instead of crying and feeling so heartbroken and miserable over the break up, they will turn that misery by ‘torturing’ the ex girlfriend’s feeling by the occasionally “checking up” on them.

The next step you should do is to busy yourself. Get into activity, any activity. Maybe it’s about time for you to sign up to that dance class you have wanted to do since last year, or that art class, learn how to cook, or even sign up on that gym membership at your local gym.

Trust me, when you start doing all that, you will forget about him as quick as tornado passing thru. Plus, you will start to feel so much better about yourself, you will improve your skill, get to know new bunch of friends, and hey…maybe you will also meet another guy in there too. You never know.

2)      My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a few months and when we are together alone, everything is great. But when we are in public, I feel rejected. He always walks a few feet in front of me, won’t hold my hand and always introduces me as his friend rather than his girlfriend. He acts like he is ashamed to be seen with me. When I bring this up to him he apologizes but quickly changes the subject and I am starting to feel stupid for bringing it up, like I am nagging him. Am I just over analyzing things? Am I too sensitive?

Anonymous (Los Angeles, CA)

No, you are not over analyzing nor too sensitive. Your instinct is merely telling you something is wrong. Unfortunately, there are some people who feels insecure, yes, even to men.

It seems that your boyfriend is feeling insecure about himself, or you, or even your relationship with him. It could also be that he has some PDA issue (Public Display of Affection). His PDA issue could be from his family or his surrounding of where he grew up in. For example, if his family always taught him showing your affection in public is shameful and not appropriate, he’d grow up thinking that’s how life is; that you should not show affection in public, but only in private.

It could also be that he feels ashamed of you or the relationship he is having with you. Now, I don’t know the full story here, but this could also be the case. It could be that he actually wants a certain type of girl as his girlfriend, but instead he got something else.

For example, he may want a successful career woman, but instead he got a nurse girlfriend. Or it’s the other way round. He may want girlfriend with no career so he can be on the upper hand, but instead his girlfriend is a manager at successful chemical company. So he feels ashamed that his career and salary is way lower than yours.

Now, no matter what it is, I’d suggest you to have a heart-to-heart discussion with him. Both of you should discuss about this in details and NOT to involve any feeling or emotion. Never get angry or defensive when you are having hear-to-heart discussion with your boyfriend, because he’d become defensive and stop the discussion immediately. And yes, no crying involve too.

You can begin this by telling him upfront that you are serious about this problem and you really want both of you to discuss about this in details. Promise each other not to get emotional about this, but discuss this as if you are discussing with your client about some important business. Try to get solution from this discussion.

Now, if he keeps on refusing to have this discussion, this could be a good warning sign to you. That perhaps, he is just not serious with you. Any man who is serious with his woman, is willing to do anything to make sure his woman is always happy with him and in this relationship.

If he refused to be open to you about his feeling and insecurity, then he never will. Perhaps, you should think again about your relationship with him, whether he is the one for you. Whether you can bare living with him with such treatment he’s giving you. That you are forever his shadow, that he’d rather hide you in the closet than showing you off in front of his family and friends.

If a man truly loves his woman, he’d be so proud of her and will show her off to everyone he can imagine. It’s just the barbaric nature of men -- showing off.

Now, my dear, I believe, every woman deserves a much better life partner who truly appreciates and loves them for who they are, and not to settle on just a maybe-partner who doesn’t care about them.

3)   I wasn't purposefully snooping, but I found a piece of paper in my husband's wallet with a woman's name and phone number on it. I am not usually jealous or suspicious, but this note has made me feel nervous. I haven't told him. Should I call the number and talk to her?

Santi (San Fransisco, CA)

No, you shouldn’t. First of all, you are not supposed to be snooping around your husband’s stuff, purposely or not purposely. I’m sure you won’t be happy too if he does the same to you, right?

You shouldn’t assume he’s cheating on you just based on a piece of paper. It could be nothing. It could be an important client’s name and number that he keeps from work. It could be a flower lady’s shop that he wants to call to buy a flower for you, secretly. It could be someone he knows that he wants to introduce to his single brother. It could be anything.

Now, if this is indeed that important client of your husband and you just call her in one afternoon, scolding her and accusing her of flirting with your husband….what you think will happen? I’m pretty sure the client will get upset, called off that business engagement with your husband and the company, told the company of the whole situation, cost the company losing lots of money and may even cost your husband’s job. And in the end, your husband will get super mad at you too.

But since you have discovered this woman’s name and number, what should you do? Well, you can, first, admit to your husband how sorry you are to have snooped around his stuff. Tell him how regretful you feel for doing that and will not do it again. Then ask him nicely, who is that woman.

If he is innocent, he would shrug it off, easily answer to you who is that, and able to explain it to you. When someone is innocent, there is no need to get angry over such thing. In fact, if he is truly innocent, he could be saying this “Well, I have nothing to hide from you. And you are always welcome to check on me if you don’t trust me, because I really have nothing to hide”.

But, if he stumbles in his explanation, repeating the story, get mad at you for snooping around and not giving the answer, get super defensive, accusing you of anything, then….you should be worry. That’s a big warning sign there.

4)   Here’s the situation, my boyfriend and I are going to two different high schools. It is a common question for us, should we stay together or should we break up? We love
and care each other a lot but we don’t know if it’s possible for us to overcome this. Neither of us wants to break up because we want this to last. What should we do?

Melissa (Los Angeles, CA)

The answer is pretty simple and straight forward. If both of you truly wants to make this relationship last, then you should stay together. Just keep a long distance relationship. You will be amazed to find out how many couple out there have survived a long distance relationship and still happily married.

Now you should be warn that to keep and maintain a long distance relationship is never easy, in fact it’s really hard. Both of you should be strong, loyal and committed to this relationship. Both of you need to make effort to make it last.

You need to keep in constant contact with your boyfriend and vice versa. You both need to always remind each other why you are keeping this long distance relationship in the first place, always express your feeling, and remind him how much you love and miss him.

Big giant trust and loyalty are involved in here. Without both of it, it won’t last. Be it short or long distance relationship.

For more questions, you can contact Cherry at Cherry.Ky@gmail.com

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